Monday, June 27, 2011

Life is Heading in the Right Direction on Many Fronts

Things have a way of working themselves out.  It may take a long long time but they do. 

My way of thinking is going through a metamorphosis.  All my life, my primary motivation in life has been to "be somebody."  I've had many people tell me that I am somebody but I just never got it.  Somehow someway the light has finally turned on.  I think somewhere in the back of my mind I thought if I ever became "somebody" I wouldn't have any more problems.  I thought with enough money and power, problems could be easily solved.  Then I realized that even the richest most powerful people in the world have more problems than they can say grace over.  Life on this side of eternity comes with problems.  The real key to happiness I think is to realize that we will always have problems, that all problems have solutions, that once one problem is solved, another will arise, and finally some problems lead to opportunities.  What this means is that I am not going to be quite so driven to make it to the top as I was in the past.  Make no mistake, I am still ambitious, however, the my goal is no longer "to be somebody" rather it is to be the best person I can be.

My wife told me to go out and get myself a dress last night.  This after she shaved my chest bare.  My legs are still cover with hair but we are definitely headed in the right direction.   One of two things is going to happen.  She is either going to take me all the way on my journey to femininity or she is going to take me to a certain point and then stop.  Either way, I am determined to go all the way.  As I set here it I think that my goal is to have SRS and become a woman before I am 55.  My daughter turns 18 in 6 years when I will be 50.  If I start the process then, I will be female by 55.  That's the goal for now.  I would very much like to move the timetable up, but for right now 55 is the goal.  I have an interview with a major corporation on Thursday that has covered SRS for their employees in the past.  If I get this job, this would definitely be a step in the right direction.

I hope to update this blog more often.  I want to continue to write from a positive point of view.  Some of my posts from the past have been downers.  Well until next time dear reader, I bid you ado.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Thank You Erica Cain and Helen Boyd

Sorry its been a while since I posted but things have been happening around here.   Good things.

The first good thing that happened is that my good girl friend Erica Cain sold me back some of the items she purchased from me when I did the purge.  Included in the items she saved for me were my two favorite pairs of high heel shoes and a corset.  I know she reads this blog.  Thanks girl friend.  Your the best.

Also included in the items she saved for me was a book titled My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd.  When I originally purchased the book a few years back, my wife had absolutely no interest in reading it.  It just so happens that I got the book back at the best time because we were in the middle of some deep conversations as to where we are going as a couple and my wife had a lot more interest.  After some tear filled conversations where she morned the loss of her dream of the typical family, she has agreed that this is part of who I am and has promised to start working with me when I dress.  I am optimistic that this is going to work out well.  I am hoping that the next posts will be a lot more positive. 


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

It would be easier if I were gay

I think it would be easier if I were gay.  I think I would have more hope as there appear to be a lot of gay men out there.  As I posted previously, the supply of women who like and desire to have a sissy seems to be in very short supply.  In addition, if I were to go back to cross dressing as I so desire to do, I would have to spend a ton of money on clothes and accessories and spend lots and lots of time in a futile effort to try to pass as a woman.  The bottom line is that I’m just a overweight balding guy.  To try to make me look like a beautiful women takes a lot of time effort and money.  A gay man doesn’t have to do any of that stuff.  He just has to go to a gay bar and he can hook up.  One of the things that I would really really like to do is get my ears pierced.  I can’t do that for fear of being made and losing my ability to earn a livelihood.  I wish there were a way to make me desirous of conventional sex without the forced fem element.  When I try conventional sex, I find myself with the feeling of just going through motions.

This leads me to thinking about transition in a whole new light.  If I were ever able to transition completely, that would make me a gay women.  As long as the other gay women couldn’t tell that I had begun life as a man, life would be a lot easier.  Then this intervoice inside says “what makes you think a gay women would want you even if you fully transitioned.  Straight women don’t want you now as a guy, why would gay women want you as a woman?  

This leads me right back to where I am.  I have to suffer in silence.  I can’t transition because of the reasons stated above.  I can’t cross dress in enough frequency to make it worth the money, time and effort plus even if I could I have no one to play with.  I’m not really interested in conventional sex without the forced fem element.  So this leaves me masturbating to forced fem fantasies.  

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Interesting Article

I read with great interest an article titled "Dating Advice for Cross dressers" at this link.

This article is written by Lucy83 who is identified as a genetic woman who likes cross dressers.  She states "It seems that many have the firm belief that it's virtually impossible to find such women (women who like cross dressers) but read on and see why can and should be more optimistic."  this article gives me hope in the fact that there are at least a few women out there who like cross dressers. 

I do feel that times are changing.  Recent headlines of a male student who was elected prom queen reveals that society is becoming more and more tolerant of people with varying gender identifies.  Perhaps the women of the new generation will be more accepting of cross dressers.

I think the biggest obstacle to overcome is genetics.  I think women have it genetically ingrained in them to seek out manly men for protection purposes.  Also, manly are also more likely to be potent and able to impregnate them.  They are also MAY have a tendency to cheat on them and mistreat them.  In today's society where a sissy can pull the trigger on a .357 the same as a 6 ft 6 245 Lb man can, a sissy can protect a woman just as effectively.  Now granted the .357 might have pink grips, but the bad guy will be just as dead.

Perhaps there is a need for a "public relations campaign" targeted at women.  Perhaps some women who have sissies for husbands could write for Cosmo extolling the virtues of keeping your man in panties.  Vampire movies have done wonders for vampire's appeal to women, perhaps they could do the same thing for sissies.  :)  Of course I know that these are unlikely to happen, but my philosophy is that the answer is always no if you don't ask.  If you don't try it definitely won't happen.  In short, what I am hoping for is that the women who have discovered the advantages of sissy men will spread the word to their girl friends.  Those sissies out there that are lucky enough to have women who accept and play with them need to absolutely worship the ground that they walk on.  Do every thing you can to please them.  Remember, they all have girl friends, and their girl friend may be your next mistress. 

Saturday, June 4, 2011


What category do I fall into?  Am I a crossdresser or am a I transgendered?  Does it really matter?  One of my FaceBook friends commented that "Saying someone is CD but not trans is putting the CDs in a no-one's land; shunned by LBGT AND by the wider world. If you have a NEED to dress, you are trans. CDing is not just performance, it is an expression of the "adornment gene" that is in so many of us. Sorry for being combative here, but this is a disturbing trend"  I'm not sure what I am nor do I really care. 

If I could be anyone I wanted to be, I would be a gorgeous genetic woman who is in a lesbian relationship with an equally gorgeous genetic woman.  Since that's not going to happen in this lifetime, the next best thing would be to be with a woman who couldn't get enough of Tiffany and loved to play dress up.  She would encourage me, (better yet insist upon) that I be as feminine as I could as often as I could. She would strongly encourage me to take it to the next level and transition. Again, that's not going to happen.  So as with most things is life, you have to learn to live with the cards your dealt and be as happy as you can.
I guess most people would label me a CD as I don't "need" to dress up.  I haven't dressed up in more than a year.  However, I am constantly thinking about it.  When I see a pretty girl, instead of thinking how great it would be to fuck her, I think how great it would be to play dress up with her. 

I understand that being man or a woman is a matter of degree. If there were a scale with John Wayne on one side as the ultimate man and Marylin Monroe on the other as the ultimate woman, I think generally, I tip the scales more towards Marylin than I do John Wayne.  A lot depends on my circumstances and situation.  If I had to choose one or the other, I think I am more feminine than masculine.  Does that make me transgender?  I don't know.  99.9% of the time, I am a man to the outside world.  I generally think like a man as I am constantly thinking about something sexual. 

Some might also consider me transgendered as if I had the money, the relationship security and the job security, I would transition in a heart beat.  The biggest thing that would hold me back is I have ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN MEN.  I don't even understand why a GG would want to be with a man.  If you transition, your options of finding a woman are very limited. 

Does that make me a CD, transgendered or somewhere in between.  I don't know and I don't think it matters.  I am me.

Thursday, June 2, 2011


One of my Facebook friends Dee Gregory posted a link to an article that she had written.  The link is here.

One of the reasons I found the article interesting is that it appears that there were several periods in her life that she went through a purging process, but Dee came back stronger than ever.  I find myself in the same situation.  After attempting to purge Tiffany from my life, I am realizing that Tiffany is back stronger than ever.  I very much related to Dee's comment that " Even just a few weeks later, ‘Dee’ was running around in my head again."  While I was telling everyone that Tiffany was gone forever, she was ever present in my mind, especially during wanking sessions. 

When I say that Tiffany is back stronger than ever, I have to explain that I haven't so much as had a pair of panties on in over a year and I don't know when the next time will be.  I just know that there WILL be a next time.  Even when I am in boy drag, I know that Tiffany is with me whispering so seductively in my mind at how good that soft silk will feel against my skin.  She reminds me at how good I felt when I looked in the mirror after my appointment with Jon in Austin.  Its like a drug.  When your not high, you are constantly thinking about when you are going to get your next fix. 

I can only speak for myself, but the reason I purged is that I know for the most part Tiffany is not going to be accepted by most people.  Its like having a scar on your face.  People are never going to like it, but that scar is not going to go away.  You may be able to cover it with makeup, but the scar will still be there.   That scar is part of me.

The bottom line is this on purging.  We must accept who we are and not be ashamed.  Any attempt to cover it up or repress it will not work and may actually make it come back stronger.  No matter how much we wish we were "normal," wishing won't make it so.  As a recently deceased CD friend of mine once told me, if people don't like fuck em.